Last night, I was sitting watching tv while hubby fixed dinner. A movie was came on, it was one I had not seen. Waiting, (as in the job), I believe it was called. How original, a movie about a group of people who work in food service. I say this like I did not enjoy the movie. Well it isn't so much that I enjoyed the movie, as it took me back to a certain time in my life. A time I very much enjoyed. A time where learning and growing took place. A time where I was truly free.
As the movie progressed, the characters grew increasingly familiar. I became a sentimental fool. All kinds of people and experiences came flooding back. Memory after memory. It was almost like looking through a photo album. I began to miss these people, the connections I had with them. I began to wonder where so and so had ended up. Was life anything like they had hoped? Were they married with children? Most importantly, were they happy? Wherever they ended up, whatever they were doing, were they happy?
I can honestly say that I am happy with my lot in life. Though this is not where I imagined I would end up. I have no idea why I thought things would be different or even how. I just know I entirely expected my life to be one hundred percent different. Work, a job, career that is something I expected to have. In a way I do have a job, I am a stay-at-home mom. The hours are long, my boss is an insane dictator and the work is never done. I stay very busy. However I would not give up this job for anything. I love my little dictator that much.
It was just that the movie made me think about the relationships that form when you work with a group of people. Especially when that group of people gets along famously. You find yourself spending time together outside of work. There are inside jokes, pranks, after-hours mischief. Work is actually an enjoyable experience, you look forward to punching the clock. I found myself missing that the most. Longing for that kind of camaraderie, that only happens once in a while. It also only happens when you are young and free. When having a good time is all that matters. Before life starts hurtling forward so fast, you wonder where the conductor went.
Something surprising happened during all my reminiscing that has not really happened to me before. I felt old. I honestly for the first time felt old. That time in my life was so long ago, a lifetime. I will never have my youth back. I will only be so care-free. I am no longer 18. Not that I had felt 18 in years, but man have things changed since then. I'm older and wiser. But to be that age, excited, starting fresh, the whole world beckoning with a come hither look. What a wonderful time it was. I say all this like I am some ancient prune. I'm still young, I have plenty of life ahead of me. It will be interesting to see what happens next. Its been an interesting ride so far. I just hope there is still frivolity in my future.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Things I should be doing
So yes I should be off doing something else. One of the many things I have on a list in my mind that I never seem to accomplish. And what am I doing... writing a new blog entry. It is one of the things on my list, so I sit here and continue to type. I think about the day, which in retrospect was actually productive. I cleaned a little, put away the last bit of truly baby stuff, went for a walk and started talking about publishing a book.
I sat down at the computer to begin sifting through my images and I felt a weight crash down on my shoulders. I think the reality of my son no longer being a tiny infant. The fact that his lack of hair is the remaining vestige if his infancy has somehow hit a nerve in me. I have been saying for the last year he won't be this small forever. Everytime I said it I was slowly getting closer to a time when he would get bigger., a time when I could get back to my life. The idea that I am now out of the woods, so to speak, and into the forest is a bit overwhelming. It is like the last year has been a complete blur and I had grand plans for when my baby got older and now that the future is at hand, I feel stuck. Changing the way you think is never fun. It works the old noggin, shifts ones perception.
I guess I have been making plans of what I will do for so long that I can't actually take the step forward. And again I think about the things I should be doing. In actuality is it so bad that I am sitting here putting my thoughts into words for anyone to read. I suppose it is a way for me to shed the past an move forward into the next chapter, in my book of life. I do this every time. I have trouble moving forward. That is why I am glad to have a wonderful woman to help keep me on my path. I only hope that I can be a big a help to her as she is for me.
I'm a bit better now. Sometimes all one needs to do is shed the thoughts that bind them. Sea of photo files here I come. I welcome the creative places they will take me.
I sat down at the computer to begin sifting through my images and I felt a weight crash down on my shoulders. I think the reality of my son no longer being a tiny infant. The fact that his lack of hair is the remaining vestige if his infancy has somehow hit a nerve in me. I have been saying for the last year he won't be this small forever. Everytime I said it I was slowly getting closer to a time when he would get bigger., a time when I could get back to my life. The idea that I am now out of the woods, so to speak, and into the forest is a bit overwhelming. It is like the last year has been a complete blur and I had grand plans for when my baby got older and now that the future is at hand, I feel stuck. Changing the way you think is never fun. It works the old noggin, shifts ones perception.
I guess I have been making plans of what I will do for so long that I can't actually take the step forward. And again I think about the things I should be doing. In actuality is it so bad that I am sitting here putting my thoughts into words for anyone to read. I suppose it is a way for me to shed the past an move forward into the next chapter, in my book of life. I do this every time. I have trouble moving forward. That is why I am glad to have a wonderful woman to help keep me on my path. I only hope that I can be a big a help to her as she is for me.
I'm a bit better now. Sometimes all one needs to do is shed the thoughts that bind them. Sea of photo files here I come. I welcome the creative places they will take me.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Knowing your friends
I was on the phone last night with a very dear and old friend. We have been friends since the first day of high school. I started high school in a new town with no friends. She was the first person to speak to me that day. That is something I have always treasured about her. She is honestly one of the kindest, gentlest and most caring people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. For this post I will call her Joy. She recently got married to a great guy, after something like a decade of dating. Shortly after their wedding, Joy found out she was expecting a baby. I am overjoyed for them. It honestly could not have happened to more wonderful people. Since hearing the happy news I keep day dreaming about our children growing up together, being friends. This is completely ridiculous because we live in different states. I guess it is just wishful thinking on my part.
We spoke on the phone the other night and I realized she is going to be one of those natural moms. (please keep in mind I would never dream of telling anyone how to raise a child.) I should not be surprised by this. Joy and her hubby are a bit on the granola side but have never been overly so. She grew up in a relatively normal house. A home where they used chemicals to clean, shampoo and soap from the grocery store. There was nothing organic and free range about her childhood, nor her husbands. However, they are going to raise their child in that kind of environment. I have no issue with this parenting/lifestyle choice. I guess I was surprised when Joy told me they were not planning on vaccinating there baby, using cloth diapers, things of that nature. Since we come from similar backgrounds, I guess I just assumed she would be a more traditional parent. (as the saying goes when you assume.....)
This whole thing got me to thinking about all of my long standing friendships. How well did we really still know each other. Actually how well can you really ever know someone. You hear it all the time on the news, "He was such a friendly guy. I never would have thought...", preceded by some horrible story. Now I am not in anyway comparing "natural" parenting to serial killers, but can you really know someone. I've known Joy almost 20 years and her decision about how she wants to raise her child seemed out of the blue. I suppose we see what we want to in the people we choose to surround ourselves with. The longer we know someone, the more comfortable we feel about them, so when they do something unexpected it is harder to deal with. I know Joy and I will continue to be friends. Our children will play together. I guess I will forever look at her differently, wondering when the next time will be that she does the unexpected. I guess things just got more interesting.
We spoke on the phone the other night and I realized she is going to be one of those natural moms. (please keep in mind I would never dream of telling anyone how to raise a child.) I should not be surprised by this. Joy and her hubby are a bit on the granola side but have never been overly so. She grew up in a relatively normal house. A home where they used chemicals to clean, shampoo and soap from the grocery store. There was nothing organic and free range about her childhood, nor her husbands. However, they are going to raise their child in that kind of environment. I have no issue with this parenting/lifestyle choice. I guess I was surprised when Joy told me they were not planning on vaccinating there baby, using cloth diapers, things of that nature. Since we come from similar backgrounds, I guess I just assumed she would be a more traditional parent. (as the saying goes when you assume.....)
This whole thing got me to thinking about all of my long standing friendships. How well did we really still know each other. Actually how well can you really ever know someone. You hear it all the time on the news, "He was such a friendly guy. I never would have thought...", preceded by some horrible story. Now I am not in anyway comparing "natural" parenting to serial killers, but can you really know someone. I've known Joy almost 20 years and her decision about how she wants to raise her child seemed out of the blue. I suppose we see what we want to in the people we choose to surround ourselves with. The longer we know someone, the more comfortable we feel about them, so when they do something unexpected it is harder to deal with. I know Joy and I will continue to be friends. Our children will play together. I guess I will forever look at her differently, wondering when the next time will be that she does the unexpected. I guess things just got more interesting.
Monday, February 18, 2008
A Promise Broken (a rant, of sorts)
I am very irritated at the moment. In fact I have been so all day, I can't seem to shake the feeling, no matter what. I suppose I have a very legitimate reason to be annoyed, a friend has broken her promise, yet again.
I am angry at myself for repeatedly trusting her word. I am angry at her for the choice she made and the fact that I was probably not even taken into consideration when this choice was made. It was just expected that I would roll over and say ok. Well it was not ok, not ok one little bit. I'm sitting here waiting for a phone call, I know she is putting off making. She knows I am mad and doesn't want to own up to the fact that she has done me wrong. She also doesn't want to hear me say so. This much I know. What I can't discern is, why would someone make an offer they never intended to keep. When the offer was made it was made in good faith, the intention was right, but like always it is the follow through that bites me on the ass. EVERY TIME!! I really think if she wanted to do it, it would have happened once in the two months since the offer was made. I don't know. I suppose it is the fact that when I say I am going to do something, I intend to do that something. If I don't want to do something, I say no. Two little letters N O.
Why can't people be more honest. Honesty is the best policy, right? Who am I kidding most people can't even be honest with themselves, so how can I expect them to be honest with me. I speak from my heart. Sometimes I say things that people do not like to hear. Actually that is the case most of the time. I guess most people hate to hear the truth. I think people do a grave disservice when they tell each other lies. This means there is a lack of mutual respect. When you can't look a person in the eye and say the truth, who are you sparing really.
A memory from long ago just resurfaced. At 17, my best friend from the age of 8, quit calling me out of the blue. She avoided my phone calls like I had an infectious disease. I couldn't get a hold of her for weeks. When she finally returned my calls, she acted as if nothing was amiss, like it hadn't been over a month and a half since we last spoke. In fact, we had rarely gone longer than 24 hours without some form of contact. We made plans to meet at another friends house, we hung out there frequently. As my 12:30 am curfew drew closer and closer, I finally managed to get the truth of our long silence out of her.
Shortly before the drop off in communication, we had gone to a homecoming dance at her high school. Everyone had dates. She set me up on a blind date with an incredibly cute boy, I'll call him Joe. The evening was fun and easy going. We all spent the night at Joe's house. We ate Hawaiian pizza and watched Pink Floyd's The Wall. Nothing romantic happened between anyone. Joe and I had went on one other date. We had Turkish coffees. It was awkward and forced. We briefly talked on the phone, then our contact ceased. I was not terribly broken up by this fact. He was a cute boy but we really had little in common.
All of these events were far from my mind when her tears started to fall. She confessed that she had a crush on Joe, when she set up our date. They became a couple after our second date. She had been afraid to tell me because she was "protecting me" from a possible hurt. I laughed out loud, not concerned about her tears. I was flabbergasted. My best friend had been avoiding me because she didn't want to hurt me with the truth. The truth hurt very little. I was hurt by the fact that she didn't have the courage to take whatever I would give. I suppose she felt as if she had betrayed my trust, when in fact that was so far from the truth. I had been worrying all those weeks that I had done something terribly wrong to my best friend. In fact I lost sleep over the whole thing. In fact I missed my curfew and was grounded when I got home.
The entire thing, much like the events of today, could have simply been avoided if the other person involved had just been honest from the start. Instead I am still waiting for that phone call, I wonder how long it will be this time before I hear from her. I guess she knows I'm going to bite.
I am angry at myself for repeatedly trusting her word. I am angry at her for the choice she made and the fact that I was probably not even taken into consideration when this choice was made. It was just expected that I would roll over and say ok. Well it was not ok, not ok one little bit. I'm sitting here waiting for a phone call, I know she is putting off making. She knows I am mad and doesn't want to own up to the fact that she has done me wrong. She also doesn't want to hear me say so. This much I know. What I can't discern is, why would someone make an offer they never intended to keep. When the offer was made it was made in good faith, the intention was right, but like always it is the follow through that bites me on the ass. EVERY TIME!! I really think if she wanted to do it, it would have happened once in the two months since the offer was made. I don't know. I suppose it is the fact that when I say I am going to do something, I intend to do that something. If I don't want to do something, I say no. Two little letters N O.
Why can't people be more honest. Honesty is the best policy, right? Who am I kidding most people can't even be honest with themselves, so how can I expect them to be honest with me. I speak from my heart. Sometimes I say things that people do not like to hear. Actually that is the case most of the time. I guess most people hate to hear the truth. I think people do a grave disservice when they tell each other lies. This means there is a lack of mutual respect. When you can't look a person in the eye and say the truth, who are you sparing really.
A memory from long ago just resurfaced. At 17, my best friend from the age of 8, quit calling me out of the blue. She avoided my phone calls like I had an infectious disease. I couldn't get a hold of her for weeks. When she finally returned my calls, she acted as if nothing was amiss, like it hadn't been over a month and a half since we last spoke. In fact, we had rarely gone longer than 24 hours without some form of contact. We made plans to meet at another friends house, we hung out there frequently. As my 12:30 am curfew drew closer and closer, I finally managed to get the truth of our long silence out of her.
Shortly before the drop off in communication, we had gone to a homecoming dance at her high school. Everyone had dates. She set me up on a blind date with an incredibly cute boy, I'll call him Joe. The evening was fun and easy going. We all spent the night at Joe's house. We ate Hawaiian pizza and watched Pink Floyd's The Wall. Nothing romantic happened between anyone. Joe and I had went on one other date. We had Turkish coffees. It was awkward and forced. We briefly talked on the phone, then our contact ceased. I was not terribly broken up by this fact. He was a cute boy but we really had little in common.
All of these events were far from my mind when her tears started to fall. She confessed that she had a crush on Joe, when she set up our date. They became a couple after our second date. She had been afraid to tell me because she was "protecting me" from a possible hurt. I laughed out loud, not concerned about her tears. I was flabbergasted. My best friend had been avoiding me because she didn't want to hurt me with the truth. The truth hurt very little. I was hurt by the fact that she didn't have the courage to take whatever I would give. I suppose she felt as if she had betrayed my trust, when in fact that was so far from the truth. I had been worrying all those weeks that I had done something terribly wrong to my best friend. In fact I lost sleep over the whole thing. In fact I missed my curfew and was grounded when I got home.
The entire thing, much like the events of today, could have simply been avoided if the other person involved had just been honest from the start. Instead I am still waiting for that phone call, I wonder how long it will be this time before I hear from her. I guess she knows I'm going to bite.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Taking a Flying Leap (with faith?)
The other night, darling husband and child were sitting on the couch. I was in the kitchen washing dishes, something I do way too much of, when I decided to peek in and see what the guys were up to. Well I look around the corner just in time to see tiny guy, look excitedly at the floor and throw his weight its way. Big guy was quick enough to catch the airborne 11 month old. Never in my life has panic set in so quickly. I actually had to stop and catch my breath. At this point my not-so-darling husband is howling with laughter at my reaction, I actually contemplated punching him.
This whole moment kept playing over in my mind, again and again. I had many thoughts and feelings about what had occurred. Once the mother in me got over herself, I could look at the leap for what it was. My child had an urge and just went for it. Ah the simplicity of a child's mind. I looked at him with a wild gleam in his eye, purposefully crawling to the current object of his desire. As I watched the scene progress, I thought to myself, little man stay this small forever, you will always be able to leap before you look.
As we grow older the world gets in the way forcing us to create rules, to stay within the lines. We eventually become aware of how hard the floor is and how much it will hurt when we land on our soft parts. It makes sense that self preservation becomes a large driving force in our lives. However sometimes I think people forget to have fun while they are struggling to survive. We sweat the small stuff, we sweat the big stuff, and all the stuff inbetween. We learn horrible words like finances, career, chores, responsibility. We find out the there is no more recess, no more naptime. It becomes far too easy to let life, and all that it entails, overwhelm us. If only we could keep some of the "leap before you look" mentality my son currently has. If only we could stop and smell those roses more often.
I spend a great deal of my day playing, having fun chasing my son. My husband works his two jobs, to make this possible. I love him for it. Our decision for me to stay at home has created certain obstacles, but the alternative would pose just as many. I think about the leap my son took and hope I can absorb some of his "no caution for the wind". I could use a reminder to just accept things as they are, not to worry so much, to just jump off the furniture every once in a while. I suppose I will just have to keep working on it and have a little faith. Things always work out the way they are supposed too, whether I worry about them or not.
This whole moment kept playing over in my mind, again and again. I had many thoughts and feelings about what had occurred. Once the mother in me got over herself, I could look at the leap for what it was. My child had an urge and just went for it. Ah the simplicity of a child's mind. I looked at him with a wild gleam in his eye, purposefully crawling to the current object of his desire. As I watched the scene progress, I thought to myself, little man stay this small forever, you will always be able to leap before you look.
As we grow older the world gets in the way forcing us to create rules, to stay within the lines. We eventually become aware of how hard the floor is and how much it will hurt when we land on our soft parts. It makes sense that self preservation becomes a large driving force in our lives. However sometimes I think people forget to have fun while they are struggling to survive. We sweat the small stuff, we sweat the big stuff, and all the stuff inbetween. We learn horrible words like finances, career, chores, responsibility. We find out the there is no more recess, no more naptime. It becomes far too easy to let life, and all that it entails, overwhelm us. If only we could keep some of the "leap before you look" mentality my son currently has. If only we could stop and smell those roses more often.
I spend a great deal of my day playing, having fun chasing my son. My husband works his two jobs, to make this possible. I love him for it. Our decision for me to stay at home has created certain obstacles, but the alternative would pose just as many. I think about the leap my son took and hope I can absorb some of his "no caution for the wind". I could use a reminder to just accept things as they are, not to worry so much, to just jump off the furniture every once in a while. I suppose I will just have to keep working on it and have a little faith. Things always work out the way they are supposed too, whether I worry about them or not.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
And so it begins
Here is it, 8 pm on a Wednesday. I begin to shed "mama" and think in phrases more complex than simple needs or wants. When I started this new chapter in my life (parenthood) little did I know, I mean really know, how I would change. I am calmer and softer but you can still light a fire under me and watch the show. I am passionate but about different things. I hope by writing my thoughts down, I will be able to see the changes that have occurred and assess the new person I have/will become.
I find myself drifting from idea to idea often, never really hitting land. It is an odd place to be. Just floating, waiting to land. I am neither anxious or scared, I gladly welcome what will be. I, much like my son, am discovering what a big and complex place the world can be. I am looking at things through new less cynical eyes. I think about things much more than I used to. I used to be a fly by the seat of my pants kinda gal. Now I am much more contemplative. Thinking about where the chips will fall, wanting to know the pattern they will form before they hit the floor. I suppose that all comes from having a little person to think about.
So much thinking comes when a baby enters your life. I've thought about things that never crossed my mind in 30 years of life. Things like will the signal from the remote create havoc in years to come. I'm totally serious. All these radio waves floating around how are they really affecting you and I. Not every thought is that serious. I think about other things. For instance... Why do the dogs bark at vehicles that drive by the house? Again I am serious. One of my dogs barks at every truck that drives by, the other barks at bicycles. I sometimes wonder if I adopted two of the strangest dogs ever.
So these are some of the things that keep me up at night. A little taste of my brand of crazy. So here it is the end of my first post, a random collection of things I think about. The direction I am heading in is unknown, I kind of like things that way. It leaves a certain mystery, a bit of intrigue. I just keep pushing forward and doing what comes naturally, even if I question what is being done. What a long and strange trip I am on. I guess I will just sit back, attempt to relax and enjoy the ride, while I still can.
I find myself drifting from idea to idea often, never really hitting land. It is an odd place to be. Just floating, waiting to land. I am neither anxious or scared, I gladly welcome what will be. I, much like my son, am discovering what a big and complex place the world can be. I am looking at things through new less cynical eyes. I think about things much more than I used to. I used to be a fly by the seat of my pants kinda gal. Now I am much more contemplative. Thinking about where the chips will fall, wanting to know the pattern they will form before they hit the floor. I suppose that all comes from having a little person to think about.
So much thinking comes when a baby enters your life. I've thought about things that never crossed my mind in 30 years of life. Things like will the signal from the remote create havoc in years to come. I'm totally serious. All these radio waves floating around how are they really affecting you and I. Not every thought is that serious. I think about other things. For instance... Why do the dogs bark at vehicles that drive by the house? Again I am serious. One of my dogs barks at every truck that drives by, the other barks at bicycles. I sometimes wonder if I adopted two of the strangest dogs ever.
So these are some of the things that keep me up at night. A little taste of my brand of crazy. So here it is the end of my first post, a random collection of things I think about. The direction I am heading in is unknown, I kind of like things that way. It leaves a certain mystery, a bit of intrigue. I just keep pushing forward and doing what comes naturally, even if I question what is being done. What a long and strange trip I am on. I guess I will just sit back, attempt to relax and enjoy the ride, while I still can.
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